I have a headache. The kind of headache that you get from crying. The crying that comes from disappointment and frustration.
It can be hard to find the silver lining in a dark and cloudy sky. I believe that things happen for a reason. I believe that you will ultimately find yourself where you are suppose to be. That does not, however, lessen the sting that comes from realizing the path you were walking down has taken a sudden turn. That the things you could see in the distance you can no longer access.
My temporary promotion is ending. With it goes what little financial stability we had. And truly I am not bitter. I know I did a good job. I know I impressed the people I needed to impress. I appreciate the opportunities, and I know my chance for a permanent position will come, but I don’t know when. All I can do for now is return to my previous position with the dignity and pride that comes from having done my job well. It is the financial ramifications of this change that are terrifying. This change takes us from, “okay, we can’t go out to dinner anymore and that 8-year-old car had better hold together” to “if I don’t get a permanent position in the next 6 weeks we will be getting rid of cable and we will not be getting a dog.”
A dog, that’s the other fading dream. The litter we were waiting on ended up only having 4 puppies, there wasn’t a little girl pup for us. My heart is broken. No, it’s not the end of the world and as my husband points out it’s not “our” dog until it comes home with us, but it felt like “our” dog. I was so excited, and then I was so disappointed. The breeder gave us the name of another breeder who is expecting a litter and who has us on her list, but she can’t be sure we will get a dog from her either. These puppies are not due until February 8th and so I will have to wait. And the worst part of it is that part of me wonders if it’s just not meant to be. Maybe this is a sign. Or maybe it’s just a necessary delay. Perhaps the powers that be are trying to make sure we have enough cushion. But it’s so hard to feel like things are going to work out when at the moment they seem to be going so far away from where we had wanted to end up.
And so my search for a glimmer of silver in this darkened sky lights on a quote I saw in a Pottery Barn catalog of all places, “keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps a singing bird will come.” With that in mind I am trying to see beyond my disappointment, my frustration and my panic. I am trying to be hopeful and realize that a year from now, six months from now, perhaps even six weeks from now, all of the sadness and the tears will seem like wasted energy and there will be a singing bird keeping me uplifted.